找自己 -- “Grandma’s Penghu Bay”
“Oh, your English is so good!” is a comment I have heard a few times. Now, this may be a trigger, not a compliment, for Asian Americans that were born and raised in the U.S., since the speakers assume that it is not possible for these Asian Americans to be born here and English would never have been their first language. But for me, it’s a real compliment, a huge one. I want to thank them for recognizing all those hours of my hard work memorizing English vocabulary and verb conjugations since middle school English class, and even until now, I am still learning this language everyday.
A Life-Long English Learner
Learning English was not easy or natural for me at all. I remember one of my earliest English learning experiences was probably in fifth grade from my homeroom teacher. She had this vision that English is going to be useful for these little eleven-year-olds in the future, so she started to write down an English word a day on the blackboard for us to memorize, and “sandwich” became one of the first few words that I know how to spell in English.
English is a required subject to learn in schools in Taiwan. My English education back in middle and high school was heavily test-oriented involving lots of grammatical drilling and multiple choice questions in classes that were taught by Taiwanese teachers. Plus being an introvert who is more comfortable as a listener most of the time, I really did not get to practice speaking in English too much. But I still enjoy learning about different cultures through English class, so I chose to major in English in college and later on even kept pursuing a Master’s Degree for English Education.
My motivation to master my English skill was partially driven by my perfectionism and competitiveness in school. In college, I remember seeing some classmates that were able to communicate in English so effortlessly and thought in my head, “I need to spend more hours listening to those English learning magazines to catch up.” In retrospect now, it totally made sense for those classmates to be so fluent since they grew up in English speaking countries. But at that time I just wanted to be as fluent and decided that the best way for me to be better in English is to immerse myself in it so that I have more exposure and motivation to learn it. I started to look for opportunities to practice my language in English-speaking countries, first to Toronto for a summer English learning program for six weeks, and then to St. Louis for an exchange program for six months, and now to Indiana for almost a decade.
I was very studious and determined. When I studied abroad, I consistently kept a diary and wrote down all the new English words that I learned everyday. I requested the dorm to not put me in the same apartment with other Mandarin speakers so that I could practice speaking English. Even until now, I still try to learn as many new English words as possible. I kept a paper on the whiteboard called “Lin Laoshi’s Slang Education” for my students to teach me new words. The latest word is “chopped,” meaning someone is ugly, according to my lovely students.
Thanks to reality TV shows and simply the fact that I have been immersed in this English-speaking environment for almost a decade, I do not picture a cake with a big butt on it anymore if someone told me they just ate “a big ass cake.” But no matter how hard I have tried to learn English, I can never learn the memory and cultural reference that the people shared growing up.
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“Grandma’s Penghu Bay”
One summer when I went back to Taiwan, my family took a trip to Sun Moon Lake, a famous tourist attraction about an hour drive away from where my family lives. There was a music performance that night at the hotel. These two performers, a married couple, were playing a song that everyone has known since childhood called “Grandma’s Penghu Bay” with a flute and a violin. “澎湖灣啊，澎湖灣，外婆的澎湖灣...” everyone in the audience started to sing and I realized I was also singing along with the familiar rhythm and lyrics as well. Suddenly, my eyes were tearing up and I choked, and it was hard for me to neither see nor sing. I was swallowed by this overwhelming feeling. For however long it has been and how many times that I have lost count during these past few years in America, I was the only person in a crowd, smiling awkwardly, when everyone around me was singing on top of their lungs a song from their childhood or high school prom. I tried to feel their joy, or at least felt happy for them, but to be honest, most of the time I just felt detached.
And here I was, crying out of collective joy for a song that wasn’t even my favorite nor a song that people at my age will sing at a karaoke bar. That song, however, had such a powerful influence on me and I was in awe of the power of not just the language but the memories and emotions associated with it.
I was embarrassed and did not want anyone to see that I was crying. But at that moment I made peace with myself. I don’t want to perfect my English anymore. And I finally realized that there will never be something called “perfect” in another language. People who could not empathize with my language barrier and got impatient after I asked them to repeat themselves two more times, were never meant for me and I was not inferior to them. I accept that my English will never be like my American friends, and I will never feel fully fit-in in America.
A Life-Long English Learner
Learning English was not easy or natural for me at all. I remember one of my earliest English learning experiences was probably in fifth grade from my homeroom teacher. She had this vision that English is going to be useful for these little eleven-year-olds in the future, so she started to write down an English word a day on the blackboard for us to memorize, and “sandwich” became one of the first few words that I know how to spell in English.
English is a required subject to learn in schools in Taiwan. My English education back in middle and high school was heavily test-oriented involving lots of grammatical drilling and multiple choice questions in classes that were taught by Taiwanese teachers. Plus being an introvert who is more comfortable as a listener most of the time, I really did not get to practice speaking in English too much. But I still enjoy learning about different cultures through English class, so I chose to major in English in college and later on even kept pursuing a Master’s Degree for English Education.
My motivation to master my English skill was partially driven by my perfectionism and competitiveness in school. In college, I remember seeing some classmates that were able to communicate in English so effortlessly and thought in my head, “I need to spend more hours listening to those English learning magazines to catch up.” In retrospect now, it totally made sense for those classmates to be so fluent since they grew up in English speaking countries. But at that time I just wanted to be as fluent and decided that the best way for me to be better in English is to immerse myself in it so that I have more exposure and motivation to learn it. I started to look for opportunities to practice my language in English-speaking countries, first to Toronto for a summer English learning program for six weeks, and then to St. Louis for an exchange program for six months, and now to Indiana for almost a decade.
I was very studious and determined. When I studied abroad, I consistently kept a diary and wrote down all the new English words that I learned everyday. I requested the dorm to not put me in the same apartment with other Mandarin speakers so that I could practice speaking English. Even until now, I still try to learn as many new English words as possible. I kept a paper on the whiteboard called “Lin Laoshi’s Slang Education” for my students to teach me new words. The latest word is “chopped,” meaning someone is ugly, according to my lovely students.
Thanks to reality TV shows and simply the fact that I have been immersed in this English-speaking environment for almost a decade, I do not picture a cake with a big butt on it anymore if someone told me they just ate “a big ass cake.” But no matter how hard I have tried to learn English, I can never learn the memory and cultural reference that the people shared growing up.
---------------------------
“Grandma’s Penghu Bay”
One summer when I went back to Taiwan, my family took a trip to Sun Moon Lake, a famous tourist attraction about an hour drive away from where my family lives. There was a music performance that night at the hotel. These two performers, a married couple, were playing a song that everyone has known since childhood called “Grandma’s Penghu Bay” with a flute and a violin. “澎湖灣啊，澎湖灣，外婆的澎湖灣...” everyone in the audience started to sing and I realized I was also singing along with the familiar rhythm and lyrics as well. Suddenly, my eyes were tearing up and I choked, and it was hard for me to neither see nor sing. I was swallowed by this overwhelming feeling. For however long it has been and how many times that I have lost count during these past few years in America, I was the only person in a crowd, smiling awkwardly, when everyone around me was singing on top of their lungs a song from their childhood or high school prom. I tried to feel their joy, or at least felt happy for them, but to be honest, most of the time I just felt detached.
And here I was, crying out of collective joy for a song that wasn’t even my favorite nor a song that people at my age will sing at a karaoke bar. That song, however, had such a powerful influence on me and I was in awe of the power of not just the language but the memories and emotions associated with it.
I was embarrassed and did not want anyone to see that I was crying. But at that moment I made peace with myself. I don’t want to perfect my English anymore. And I finally realized that there will never be something called “perfect” in another language. People who could not empathize with my language barrier and got impatient after I asked them to repeat themselves two more times, were never meant for me and I was not inferior to them. I accept that my English will never be like my American friends, and I will never feel fully fit-in in America.
And that is okay.
Because I share different memories and experiences, and they are equally important. I don’t need to feel bad for not knowing how to sing “Sweet Caroline, ba ba ba…” because my song is “Grandma’s Penghu Bay.”
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